See-Through Closet
by Gracelyn Willard
I found the past in my old google drive. I was looking for something else but as is often the case, found the past staring back at me instead. Prom, 2015.
(Two girls in black dresses, wholly in love.)
I have been hiding for a long time. Not intentionally hiding, but hiding all the same. I was bravest at 17 when I proclaimed to the world that I was bi and then I hid all the photos that showed me and my girlfriend at the time. (I broke up with her in part because I saw how uncomfortable everyone was with my relationship.)I didn’t want to face relatives that wouldn’t understand or judgmental strangers. I posted platonically posed photos so no one could say for sure if I was or wasn’t dating someone. I never made gushing posts about how much I loved my partner. In the end, it was easier to hide then shout from the rooftops, to never show that I wasn’t straight.
(Other people’s fear pushed me back into the see-through closet.)
Even though I had grown up in a neighborhood of gay couples and had liberal, understanding parents; society still pushed me to hide, extended family pushed me to hide. (I was once told “It’ll be easier for you if you just like one or the other (genders)” ) I currently look the ‘straightest’ I have in the last 4 years (not that you should judge people’s sexuality based on appearance but comparing 17,18,19 year old me with me now- I have that 90s movie mom aesthetic down). I am still coming to terms with my own sexuality, it may take me a lifetime to be fully comfortable and confident, but I am happy to be taking one step forward. I love my boyfriend more than anything (even coffee) but being in a hetero presenting relationship is strange because it adds to the mask I’ve built up. Even though I’m technically out I have the safety of being straight presenting which contrasts with the fact that I can love and be attracted to any gender/non-binary individual.
I wrote a story about two women and dating and heartbreak that was workshopped in a class I took. Another person in the class, who had heard me mention my boyfriend, asked me “what was it like to write from such a different perspective for you?” I responded by outing myself to them, “I’m bi, I’ve dated women it’s not a different perspective.” No one should have to scream their sexuality, we should all be allowed to be as open or closed about it as we want, but we shouldn’t have to put up with the assumptions and the fear that so often comes with the non-heterosexual sexuality.
I have never had a full conversation about my sexuality with my family and after I broke up with her and began dating guys again the questions about who I liked stopped including neutral gender pronouns. “He’s cute.” “Do you like him?” “Which of the guys on (x show) do you think is attractive.” And I did nothing to change that. I accepted the closet again. I accepted my ability and the privilege of people assuming I was straight.
